Today I have felt the world sit still and have felt numb. I've been missing my mom more than ever and when I close my eyes she's all I can envision. It's crazy to think that a year has already gone by without her in this physical world and it's been the hardest year of my life.
While people try to call me, text me and message me continuously to reach out for support, I can't help but feel the need for personal space and to be alone in my thoughts at times. I've also come to know that there are expectations from others and I hope they understand that they shouldn't carry any expectations from me but rather appreciation for what I am able to offer right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night last night and felt the feeling of wanting to be with my mom. Being reminded that I couldn't hold her again, hear her voice and laughter, play crib with her like we used to or just overall be with her made it very difficult to fall back asleep. Lack of sleep has become a regular thing for me lately and it's often because my mind is racing.
Today, I had my interview at CBC and had tried to call my dad but got the voicemail that's set up on the phone. It still has my mom's voice on it and reflecting on that now makes me sad because I wish she could've heard my interview. She used to always tune in and congratulate me afterwards which has also been a first for me. There seems to be a lot of those lately and I'm learning how to deal with it.
I've come to know that it's okay to feel sad, angry, upset and to cry. There have been people who have disregarded my emotions for their own comfort and this is something I feel I should voice. These have been the people who tell me that "It get's better" or "It get's easier" which are not words of comfort whatsoever and in fact makes things feel even worse because it doesn't feel that way right now and I need to feel this completely in order to heal and to move forward.
In terms of truly being there for someone, I feel the best thing to do is to just listen and be present when they need you to be. Telling people that you know how they feel isn't a good idea at all either because nobody knows how I feel except for me. Someone may have an idea of what it feels like to lose a parent but to have lost my mom before her time isn't fair and it hurts more than anything I have ever felt before.
I felt it is important to voice all of this because as someone who has been hurting and has been still, it's hard to find hope right now but it is not impossible. I needed the kind of hope to be able to continue and to see the light that this world may offer and the only way I've been able to feel that completely is by focusing on the love that my family offers me during this time. Mourning and grieving for the one person who gave you life is something that is not simplistic to express but if I had to try it would be to share that it is like someone took away one of your reasons to wake up every morning, to breathe and to live.
My mom was someone who taught me so much throughout my lifetime and prepared me to be the man I am today. She was the kind of person to open our door to anyone who was in need and to be there for them. I remember my friends coming over and having a place to stay if it was ever needed. If they hadn't eaten that day my mom would often ensure that they were fed before leaving our home. My mom taught me how to take care of others and had also reminded me to be gentle with myself. With this being said, during this past year I have been learning much about taking care of myself and have put a focus on self love. I also have chosen to honour my mother by continuing to be kind to others as she would have and to utilize the teachings that she instilled in me while doing so. At every one of my shows I have also made it a habit to highlight that and to challenge folks to say something kind to those that are around them as well.
One thought that often crosses my mind when thinking of this is, "What is the meaning of this gift of life that we all have?" another is "Why are there different qualities of life and class systems that focus on dividing people and separatism?" In today's society we're all stuck in living in a dog eat dog world or at least the social norms push that onto us. Take it from me when I say that life is way to short and we should much rather be focusing on being kind to each other as well as understanding, accepting and supportive of one another.
Closing off, one thing that my mom has taught me above all is being remembered for doing good in this world and for being kind to others. Often I ask myself what I want to be remembered for and I know I want to remembered for being a good human being with a kind heart who helped others just like his mother did. What do you want to be remembered for?